Star Trek 14: The Search for Badonkadonk
by orange zeppelin
Summary: Khan likes watching Joachim twerk, but wishes there were more of him! Will the laws of physics, time, space, and series canon break and allow him this fantasy to come true?


One morning on Ceti Alpha V, Khan woke up and decided that he wanted to be surrounded by asses. No, he did not want to work at a Wal-Mart, he wanted to see lots of sexy butts everywhere. There were some pretty good butts on Ceti Alpha V, but Khan's boyfriend Joachim had the hottest most bootylicious butt of them all. When that boy walked in with that itty bitty waist and that round thing in Khan's face Khan got sprung. Khan could really appreciate a good butt, but the problem was that there weren't nearly enough of them parading around him bare to the world. Sure it was nice and all watching Joachim shaking what genetic engineering gave him to the sweet rhythms of Beyonce but _man_, what it there were five of him, or ten of him all droppin' it like it's hot? That would be a dream come true!

That same morning, while Khan was reading Dune, he noticed something unusual about one side of the building. The wall almost appeared to be moving in a ripple pattern. Assuming it to be a a trick of the light, Khan went closer to inspect it. Suddenly, he felt himself being pulled towards it! Just as he thought he would collide into the side of the building, his scenes were assaulted with a sensory onslaught of color and noise, finally leaving him...

Khan blinked, trying to adjust to unfamiliar light. He was on all fours looking down at- wait, it was grass! It couldn't be! He hadn't seen grass in years! He got up and marveled at his surroundings; a lush green valley with flowers and trees scattered throughout.

"You're a new face around here!"

Khan's head snapped to attention. That was Joachim's voice! Standing in front of him was none other then- woah, hold on a minute! It was Joachim, though at the moment he was stark naked and nearly ten feet tall! He smiled brightly and continued with, "My name is Joachim! I care for the unicorns that live in this valley. What brings you here?"

"That is an excellent question, Joachim! I'm afraid I don't know how I got here. Just out of curiosity, why are you naked?"

"Well for your information-" The gigantic boy declared, "I don't believe in wearing clothing! I prefer to be in one with nature like my unicorn friends then to let society control me with the oppressive standards of clothing!"

_Well, he's a little strange,_ Khan though to himself,_ but his body is fantastic! I wonder if I could take him back home with me..._

"Say Joachim, have you noticed anything out of the ordinary lately? Any other people like myself that have appeared out of nowhere?"

"Mmmm, well that tree over there turned into a warp portal, is that strange?"

Khan grabbed giant Joachim's hand and dragged him towards the warp portal.

"Wait! Where are you taking -EEEAAAUUUGHHH!"

The two landed on a hard floor, but to Khan's confusion, it was not back in his own dimension. Instead, they found themselves inside a television studio, with cameras set up all around a homey-looking kitchen. "What the hell?" Khan said out loud.

"Umm, who let these guys on set?"

Khan realized that they (or at least the ten foot tall naked man) were attracting the attention of a filming crew.

"Hey, y'all! Are we ready to start?" Lo and behold, another Joachim walked into the studio, wearing a cute kittycat apron. "Today is my dessert day, so I need- Hey! Who are _you_ guys?"

Khan tried to sound as sane as possible as he explained, "You see Joachim, I came from another dimension where we live on a desert planet and drink our own urine to survive. This, is you from the giant nudist unicorn breeding dimension. What dimension is this?"

Chef Joachim brandished a whisk and declared, "This is the perfect Food Network universe, where Diners, Drive-ins, and Dives isn't replayed four hours every night, cooking is still the focus, and Paula Deen hasn't been shitcanned for petty reasons! She is just so sweet, you know! She makes just about the best damn biscuits in the world! As for me, my show is all about cooking with fresh vegetables from your gardens, and supporting a healthy, active lifestyle!"

"Healthy, active, lifestyle, eh? Tell me Chef, do you dance?"

"Oh yeah! I do Zumba three times a week! I just love to dance!"

Out of the corner of his eye, Khan spotted a flicker of movement in the wall. He gestured to giant Joachim, who promptly scooped up Chef Joachim and they both ran towards the new portal. After another jarring teleportation, the trio found themselves in a spacious room with a plush carpet and fine leather furniture. The rug on the floor was made from what appeared to be baby seal pelts. Platinum albums hung on the wall, and a VMA and Grammy award sat above a fireplace.

"Yo, what are you bros doing up in my pad, yo?"

This dimension's Joachim was barely recognizable in his oversized, overpriced, sunglasses, and equally overpriced baseball hat. He was swaddled in only the latest designer clothing from the hottest labels. A large gold chain suspending a solid gold diamond-encrusted initial "J" hung from his neck, understandably catching Khan's attention.

"What does the "J" stand for?"

"Yo dawg, this shiznit stands for J-Ice, cause I'm a straight up gangsta rapper, homeslices! Y'all must be from some ghetto ass third-world country if you never heard of me! I'm so rich an famous, look what I put in my fireplace!"

Indeed, the fireplace was fueled by hundred-dollar bills.

"So Joachi- er, _J-Ice_... as a man of musical talent, do you perhaps engage in similar pursuits, such as dancing?"

"Fo' shiggles to the higgles, bro! I dance all the time, twerkin' like a gherkin all over this funky business, word!

"That's good to hear! Would you be interested in being a dancer in my upcoming video?"

Without waiting for an answer, Khan seized Rapper Joachim and jumped through the subspace anomaly near the giant fish tank, with the other two Joachims following.

After yet another jump through dimensions, The group arrived in the middle of a battlefield covered in rubble and alien guts. In a clear area in front of them was another Joachim, wielding a massive lazergun and blasting evil aliens to pieces. He was wearing a latex jumpsuit that defined all the wonderful curves he had, particularly his perky little butt.

"Take that! And that, you disgusting alien bastards!" He shouted angrily, as more enemies flew towards him with their claws and suckers and pincers and things writhing disgustingly. As soon as there was a pause in the action, Sexy Space Marine Joachim looked over to see Khan standing among the rubble, and immediately snapped to attention with a salute.

"Commander Khan! We've managed to hold them back behind the perimeter in this section, but I'm not sure about the other areas- Any new orders, Commander?"

Khan pointed towards another conveniently located portal and declared, "Through that portal, Joachim! I have special orders awaiting you!"

"Aye aye, sir!" and with a leap through he was gone. Khan and the three boys followed, finding themselves back in Khan's quarters on Ceti Alpha V.

"What's this universe?" asked Khan's harem.

"This, my beauties, is my own dimension!" he declared proudly. "And this-oh _this_, is my_ own_ sweet little Joachim!"

The Joachim of Khan's dimension looked up from his book in confusion. "What am-_ I_ doing here?" he asked.

"Joachim, my dear-" Khan beamed. "Will you get your boombox? It is time for me to witness what I have always dreamed of!

With a hint of confusion, Joachim got his boombox from the other room, along with a couple of CD's.

"Commander? What exactly are my new orders?" Sexy Space Marine Joachim asked Khan. "Yeah, why did you want to know if we could dance?" Chef Joachim added.

"Whoa, whoa whoa! Wait a funky minute, brocrunkles! Are you gatherin up all these bitches and myself just so we can dance to get your rocks off?"

"Well, I wouldn't phrase it quite like that-"

Sexy Space Marine Joachim was outraged. "You dragged me away from a fight with _aliens_ so I could please you like a lowly Kzrrxzxz harem girl? Well, I am not having _any_ of it!"

Before Khan could convince him otherwise, Sexy Space Marine Joachim leaped right back through the portal. Following him was Rapper Joachim, who shouted back, "Screw dis ghetto scene, I can make my _own_ music video with shagtacular badonkadonk!"

"Well that's fine!" Khan said in a voice that implied that it was not in fact, fine. "I can do the video with just three of you! It will be just as lovely! "

"I don't think so!" Chef Joachim exclaimed. "I'm with them! You can't just yank us out of our worlds so that we can entertain you like a bunch of male strippers!" And with a turn of his heel he left the dimension as well.

Khan gave Giant Nudist Unicorn Breeder Joachim a pleading look, but was met only with an apologetic smile. "Sorry, but...I've got my unicorns to look after!" Finally, the 10 foot tall boy left, and the portal faded out of existence.

After every Joachim but his own left, Khan was left feeling defeated. He would probably never again have the chance to live out his dream of having five of his boyfriend twerking to Beyonce. Not all was lost however, as he would still have his favorite boy to dance with.

"Too bad your fantasy didn't work out, Khan. But I'll still dance for you as long as you do something for me..."

"What do you mean?"

Joachim smiled mischievously. "Well you see, you weren't the only one to discover that warp portal. While you were recruiting versions of myself for your plan, I was out doing some recruiting of my own! Why don't you boys some in?"

Khan's jaw dropped as he saw four copies of himself enter the room.

"I present to you my own little dance crew that I assembled through the portals! Pro Wrestler Khan, Death Metal Guitarist Khan, Massage Specialist Khan and of course, College Professor Khan! With you as my fifth dancer, I have enough of you to re-create the Skatt Bros.' music video for "Life at the Outpost"!

Khan didn't know what to say! It was only fair that he comply. He had been rather greedy, after all. And if his sweetie wanted him to dance...

"Well I suppose I could give it a shot!"

"You will?! Oh, thank you!"

Khan took his place among the other four Khan's, and Joachim turned the music on. Ceti Alpha V Khan followed the steps of the other dancers as they all did a silly choreographed routine while belting out:

_Give your love to a cowboy man! _ _He's gonna love you hard as he can-can!_

"Yeah! Work it!" Shouted Joachim.

As Khan proceed to work it, he realized something. Who needed four other identical boys when he had the perfect one right here? As long as Joachim was happy, he was happy. If making Joachim happy meant dancing with four other sweaty guys to a song about cowboy sex, he would do it.  
_As hard as he can_.

THE END


End file.
